12 Steps - thoughts just for today
The 12 Step Model of addressing Alcoholism & Addiction has been around for over 90 years now – a model is great for those drinking or using drugs & who are wanting to STOP & STAY STOPPED. The problem is this model does not always work for families…..
Good messages from this model:
Insanity: Doing the same things over and over hopping, wishing, or expecting a different outcome!! – you need to stop this – or you will go crazy!! Every family member, every addict, even friends get caught in this trap - not knowing what to do - keeping doing the same old things and not achieving any chnage at all. If we want things to be different then we need to learn how to create that!!
NA or AA Fellowship: those who have been there and are in recovery hang out here, they understand, they know the issues and they know the reality. When your loved has had enough or when your loved one needs support, take them along to an open AA or NA meeting, this is not about religion - it is about getting clean and staying clean - the 12 Step Program works if you work at it!!. NA or AA Fellowship meetings are in every town and online – let that be one of their first connections, when they have had enough!!
Serenity Prayer: Reminds us all of what we can change and what we cannot change. When you are desperate, when you can not cope, when you need some guidance for the next step the Serenity Prayer will deliver. This is not about religion either - it is about ACCEPTANCE of what you cannot change, finding the COURAGE to change the things you can and of course the WISDOM to know the difference. Hint when we remind ourselves of this - we know we can only chnage self - changing others is outside our control often - but as someone who cares you can chnage self from being emotionally reactive to being proactive in influencing positive change.
Step One: needs to be taken before change is possible. Your loved one will need to ACCEPT that they are POWERLESSNESS over their addiction & their life has become UNMANAGEABLE. Many may be wanting chnage - they also want to do everything their way, which usually does not work!! So once they have tried that a few times they may see the need to surrender their fight within themselves and start to seek help and support for their life to be different. Learning what needs to be different is a great place to start, as most addicts think if they just stop using everything will be okay - remember STOPPING IS EASY - STAYING STOPPED IS THE HARD BIT!! Same for families too, to get over this you need help & support too.
12 Step messages that are not so good for families:
Having a loved one in addiction is damaging, hurtful and stressful. Living life in high stress, not knowing what to do or how to do it is bad enough and then you get well meaning people telling you things - that at the end of the day just create more conflict, shame and stress - and that is just for you!! Not productive or helpful - discovering for ourselves what is right is what's important - as your loved one will keep using until they say - I WANT TO STOP!!
Here are a few terms you can throw in the trash -
Are you trying to figure out if your loved one is an ADDICT OR ALCOHOLIC?? Or is your loved one trying to convince you, they do not have a problem, & they are not an ADDICT OR ALOCOHOLIC??
REALITY: This is a great time waster for everyone, it does not matter if your loved one is an alcoholic or an addict - what matters is if Alcohol or Drugs are causing problems in your life or in your loved one's life - this needs to be addressed, and normally this will require help from someone who knows the reality and what helps and what doesn't help!!
Ever been told you are ENABLING your loved one?? Are you battling with yourself, what is the right thing to do or not to do?? Again why battle with this - you need to be able to live with the decisions you have made - so it is not is this right for my loved one - the real question is "Is this right for me to do or not do??" Certainly many of things you have been doing you have been doing because you want your loved one to change. Making life easier for them, keeping them from the consequences of their actions, do nothing to help their addiction or to cure it - what it does do is deplete your bank account, keep secrets & collude with unlawful activities - none of which leaves you feeling any better than you do now!!
Ever been told you are CO-DEPENDENT?? Do you battle with wanting to connect with your loved one?? It's okay to love an addict or an alcoholic - they are not bad people, you are not a bad person - we are all human and do the best we can do. The message here is about pain, hurt and damage not only to yourself but to children and others. No one needs to abandon their loved one - you just need some help to create a safe environment and to do the things thata re right for you. Remember if nothing is changing right now - maybe you need to chat with me and find out how you can create opportunities for positive change.
Are you waiting for your loved one to hit ROCKBOTTOM??? Do you believe in this place??? Someone's 'Rock-bottom' can not be named until after it has occurred and even then change may not be long term. Rock-bottom is a reflective term alcoholics & addicts use to describe the point in their life where they made the decision to change - only identified after this thing has happened. Although many will be thinking, surely they have hit their 'Rock-bottom', with every loss they suffer, the damage they are causing and through the consequences of alcohol & drugs on their health. After all think about it - what does it really take to inspire change - how many addicts overdose, nearly die and once discharged from hospital they go back to using???
What it really takes is those who support their loved one need to recognise the small 'Windows of Opportunity' where, through using exploring words, they can plant proactive seeds for change. That's what I help loved one's who are suffering to do - be proactive, live with realistic expectations and know what to do, how to do it and when to do it.
Are you the last one standing to support your lobed one, do you want to know more – does all of this make sense & is your loved one’s addiction causing you problems & pain???
If the answer is yes – then let’s chat:
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